


Looking Back

by softiwaii



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Canon Related, Happy Ending, Jaeyong endgame, M/M, Mild Angst, Pining, jaehyun centric, mention of Johnny, mention of Yuta
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-31
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-17 13:01:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29100681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softiwaii/pseuds/softiwaii
Summary: “I knew right away after seeing Taeyong hyung’s face.. that he found his first love”
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Lee Taeyong, Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung/Lee Taeyong
Comments: 18
Kudos: 196





	Looking Back

**Author's Note:**

> Hi this is made out of rush so I apologize for any mistakes kdkdjsjsjs. I definitely did NOT reread it but here it goes. I hope you enjoy!

Jaehyun  _ stares  _ at him.

Jaehyun stares at Taeyong when he opens the door of their dorm with twinkling, crescent-shaped eyes and a fully wide smile as if he was on his way to embarrass the sun itself. Jaehyun could not do anything but stare at him before he was snapped out of his reverie when Taeyong takes a step back as a sign for him to pass inside.

They have a group meeting on the 5th floor today and Jaehyun had been the one to arrive first out of all the men on their floor. When he did, only Doyoung and Taeyong were in the “meeting room,” a.k.a the dinner table beside the kitchen. Taeyong had walked first to where Doyoung was just to nudge him while he was focused on the food they had just cooked.

Jaehyun smiles in bitterness.

“Morning, Jae.” Doyoung saw Jaehyun and greeted him, while Taeyong’s eyes brightened as slips a look at him too. It always has. His eyes are always like the sun, bright and beautiful that it sometimes hurt just looking at it. 

“Good morning, hyung.”

He then sat wordlessly, waiting for whatever was on the menu today. It’s always like that in their meetings. Someone has to cook them food while they plan dor something or else their hungry stomachs would drive them into a frenzy and everyone would just start yelling at each other over the smallest reasons. It was ridiculous but starved men on a comeback meeting isn’t one you should underestimate. Taeyong served his favorite dish as always, and it made Jaehyun smile genuinely. Taeyong always cooks in their group meetings and it’s always such a coincidence that he would feel to cook Jaehyun’s favorites on those particular days. The members would grumble, saying Jaehyun is always the favorite child, but just as Taeyong always says, “I just felt cooking it, that’s all.” And jaehyun could not do anything but smile.

Taeyong loves cooking when he feels like it. Even when they were trainees living together in one dorm, Taeyong would always cook Jaehyun’s favorites because he always saw him as a precious younger brother who needs to be taken care of. 

“You’re staring again.” Doyoung says out of nowhere while Jaehyun was out of himself. The latter’s eyes instinctively turned to the person speaking who was looking at his Taeyong hyung with a grin. Jaehyun’s eyes then averts to Taeyong’s direction who was now looking back at Doyoung with a glint in his eyes before he goes and pounces on him playfully, their laughters echoing in the silent dorm which would surely wake the sleeping members up now.

“I’m gonna teach you a lesson you will never forget, you rabbit.” Taeyong attacks to tickle him while Doyoung tries to evade his fingers with shrieks and screams every now and then.

“I was just pointing out a fact!”

“And I will be pointing at your tickle spot!”

Jaehyun eats silently as dotae bicker, already used to their shenanigans. His eyes landed on the ring around both of their fingers and his heart drops to a stop. It’s not like it’s his first time seeing it, but everytime he does, the feelings remain as painful as it was during his first time.

It’s been awhile since they got their friendship ring, but it still hurts Jaehyun a little seeing it snugly wrapped around each of their fingers, like it’s the perfect fit.

He wishes he could’ve been the one to give Taeyong a ring but he was too late. It took him such a long time to tell Taeyong how he feels. One day he suddenly found himself looking from the back as Doyoung slowly takes him away, further and further until such time where he couldn’t reach for him anymore.

He doesn’t blame Doyoung. He takes care of Taeyong in a way Jaehyun is thankful for. And Taeyong is happy with him. Taeyong is happy when they bicker, or when they do shenanigans that only the two of them could relate to; like when they were riding that toy horse, or when they argue over Digimon and Naruto, or fight playfully unprovoked. A smile always stuck around Taeyong’s lips when they’re together.

Jaehyun had always observed how Taeyong looks at Doyoung with so much fondness and adoration. Like that of someone special, unlike any other, and maybe he  _ really _ is. Maybe it’s why Taeyong looks at him that way; crinkled eyes, scrunched nose and lips curved up in a boisterous laugh. Taeyong looks at Doyoung like he is someone he couldn’t live without.

Johnny arrived in the kitchen next after being woken by the shouts and he sat across Jaehyun in the table with a grumble. “Teokbokki again?” He groans. 

Taeyong stops his ministrations, “Yes. Now eat or starve.” he retorts which earned him a whine from the taller, as if he could change Taeyong’s mind. They ate and waited for the rest of the members before starting their meeting for the next comeback. 

The whole time Jaehyun could only stare silently at Taeyong, but when the older looked back, Jaehyun would immediately whip his head to another member’s direction, acting like there was nothing more to it. He has been doing that for quite a while now; looking at Taeyong and then looking away when he looks back. Jaehyun was already an expert at it. Looking at him now is a good opportunity to admire him talk without feeling like a creep for pasting his eyes on his hyung’s direction, almost without a blink. It’s a way to mask his longing and bitterness as mainly concentrating on what their leader is supposed to be discussing for their comeback, not because he’s hopelessly in love with him. Psh.

It all went well by the end of the day, everyone agreed to their next concept and they started to mentally prepare themselves to fit the said concept. 

When he was about to leave and Taeyong was cleaning up the table, he spoke. “Jaehyunnie, you love teokbokki right?” He says in what seems to be a good mood. Jaehyun blinks and only looks at his hyung with a single nod. His eyes are still as sparkly as ever. They always glowed in Jaehyun’s eyes, always gaze at him with a twinkle that he couldn’t bring himself to look away. “There’s still more in the fridge. I already wrapped it up so you can eat with the rest of the members in your dorm.” 

“What about you, hyung?” Jaehyun asks. 

“No one really likes to eat it here. It’ll just go to waste. Eat it well, okay?” Taeyong smiles at him and Jaehyun’s heart almost leaps out of his chest if it wasn’t for Doyoung breaking the moment with his whines.

“Hyuuuuunggg~~ Please come to my shoot tomorrow.” Doyoung says like a brat. Jaehyun watches as Taeyong rolls those beautiful eyes in fondness before he chuckles heartily. “Fine, fine. I’ll go. You know I can never deny you when you’re being a brat like that.” 

“YEEESSS!” Doyoung raises a fist up. 

Jaehyun unknowingly smiles in bitterness as he watches him being genuinely happy before he leaves without even a word of goodbye. He doesn’t need to. It’ll just hurt more if he faces his farewell.

  
  


🌹🌹🌹

Weeks passed by in a blur. One night Jaehyun found himself indulged in his Inkigayo script when Mark bursts into the room without warning. “Hey hyung, Johnny hyung’s inviting everyone for a drink in their dorm, wanna come?” 

Jaehyun hesitates. Going to their dorm would only bring feelings he doesn’t want to feel anymore. Letting Taeyong go would just become harder if he sees him again. But does he really want to waste this opportunity to bond with his members? It’s been so long since they’ve last been together in a group for a drink, and Jaehyun would feel bad if he misses it. Jaehyun weighs his pros and cons.

In the end he takes his phone and pockets it before briskly walking out of their dorm to catch up with the members and into the elevator going down.

He meets Taeyong on his way to the living room holding a bowl of spicy pork and Jaehyun gives him a smile when their eyes connect. Taeyong looks at him in surprise, but his lids immediately formed into the same crescents he had always found lovable.

“I knew you’d come.” Taeyong says, as if he was so sure Jaehyun wouldn’t be able to miss this night in his life. The younger sighs a smile.

“ _ I cannot bring myself to miss this.”  _ He replies in a husky voice and it causes a fleeting silence between the two. His eyes then dart to the food on the older’s hand before his lips form a gentle curve.

“Spicy pork.” He states as if it wasn’t obvious enough. “The members are going to complain again.”

Taeyong scoffs and shrugs. “We had pork in the fridge! What was I supposed to do.” He says in a pout.

Jaehyun laughs heartily and takes the bowl away from him. “I'll just bring it to them. I wouldn’t want you and Johnny arguing in the middle of the drink again because of how I’m supposedly the favorite child.”

Taeyong chuckles, “alright. I’ll bring the drinks.”

Jaehyun announces his arrival with the dish in his hands not long after. The members were apparently walking down the memory lane of their trainee days, especially when they travelled to Japan.

“I can’t believe we almost lost Johnny’s huge ass in the middle of the tour!” Yuta was clapping his hands out of too much laughter. Johnny had a  _ lot  _ to say as a retort but the rest of the members seemed to be ganging up on him tonight and Jaehyun could only laugh along, especially enjoying the teasing.

Taeyong came with more soju and several cans of beer all piled up in his arms. It was a good thing none of them were breakable because Taeyong was dropping more and more as he ran to the table and Doyoung was already scolding him for forcing everything in one go. The rest of the members didn’t notice though, and Jaehyun seems to be the only one unfortunately whipped enough to lock his eyes to the older as he smiles sheepishly to the person Jaehyun has been dying to be. Doyoung’s gaze only softens when Taeyong flashes his puppy eyes at him, and Jaehyun yet again watches bitterly at the back as the love of his life flies further and further away from him. Jaehyun coughs and looks away, focusing his vision around the boisterous laughs of the drunk members around him.

“It was because you were such a lousy tour guide!” Johnny’s whiny voice dominates the laugh. “I could do better with others.”

Yuta puts a dramatic hand up to stop him from speaking. “Stop trying to fight it, Seo. You love me.” He proudly says, chin up as if he knows Johnny could never deny it.

The said man scoffs. “No, I don’t.” He retorts stubbornly.

“Do you want to rewatch our ‘ _ To You’  _ moments? You said I was precious there!” Yuta pushes, further egging the taller male. Before Jaehyun knew it, Taeyong and Doyoung were sitting next to each other on the floor adjacent to where he was and the rest of the members were letting out teasing  _ oooohhh’s _ as a way to annoy Johnny. 

“Jaehyunnie, aren’t you going to eat?” Taeyong’s familiar voice passes all other noise the other members are producing and makes its way to Jaehyun’s ears as if it was some kind of iron in the middle of a pile of sand and he was the magnet that pulls it closer without even trying. 

Taeyong was looking at him with hopeful eyes, all too alluring not to dive into that Jaehyun couldn’t help but plunge deep down and drown himself in it. Jaehyun gives him another smile and a nod in response, afraid he’d find his voice breaking because of how beautiful he is once he speaks. Because falling for Taeyong, no matter how many times you do so, has the same effect, the same feeling of warmth and comfort, and Jaehyun has experienced much to conclude so.

Jaehyun only noticed it now that the members have started watching their ‘ _ To You’  _ videos as a way to tease each other. It was rowdy, and there were several loud whistles in the process that Jaehyun was afraid they’d somehow wake a few neighbors in the middle of the night, but none of it happened thankfully.

They reached the part of Doyoung giving Taeyong a message with eyes full of tears and everyone started cooing at the two bestfriends, except for Jaehyun. He was busy trying to mend his heart that is slowly being torn apart in the midst of it all. Jaehyun swallows the lump in his throat and watches as Taeyong looks at Doyoung with the same fondness he always gives, the same glint and the same  _ love. _ There was nothing else he could do but watch as if his eyes were intentionally trying to hurt him by glueing itself unto the television even after knowing it’s breaking him inside out.

“You’re staring again.” Doyoung’s gentle voice reaches the younger’s ears which prompted him to turn to their direction yet again. Taeyong was looking at Doyoung with a shy and flustered smile, and he was rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly as if to apologize.

Jaehyun looks at the two of them conversing in whispers. It comes to him that even if his chest weighs heavier than usual watching them, the feeling of ease that comes after realizing that Taeyong is happy somehow covers it all. Maybe after a while it will not hurt as much as it does now, maybe even one day, he’ll suddenly find himself looking at Taeyong’s eyes without feeling like he’s crumbling in pain bits by bits.

The night passes by in a blur and everyone was already shit drunk by the time it was 3 AM. They were lucky no one had any schedule tomorrow, else they’d be facing the wrath of their staffs again for being such careless boys. Luckily, everyone was sober enough to walk back to their rooms without falling face first in the process.. everyone except Taeyong and Doyoung. Taeyong’s face was planted on the table, dead drunk and unmoving, already impossible to wake while Doyoung was leaning back on the sofa behind him.

Jaehyun always remembers how Taeyong has such a low tolerance to alcohol. He was always the first one to fall when they have a drink to the point that once they schedule a session outside their dorm, everyone immediately plays a game on who gets to assist Taeyong after.  _ Jaehyun won’t admit it out loud though, but he always tries to purposely lose. _

As if out of responsibility, Jaehyun allows himself to be left behind to assist Taeyong. When he props him up however, he finds Doyoung doing the same thing at the same time and he couldn’t help but raise a brow.

“You’re not drunk?” Jaehyun questions as he pulls Taeyong up with a grunt. 

Doyoung seemed to have sobered immediately after his short nap, it seems like he didn’t drink much. “I’m fine. We need to take Taeyong hyung to his room.”

The way to the older’s place was silent, but it wasn’t as awkward as Jaehyun imagined it to be, although he can’t help but feel the fleeting tension seemingly covering them for some moments. Jaehyun and Doyoung both got one of Taeyong’s arms each across their shoulders as they literally dragged him across their dorm. When they reach the front of his door, Jaehyun twists the doorknob open.

They gently laid the drunk man on his bed as soon as they reached it. Doyoung then plops down on his gaming chair with a groan, obviously spent after half carrying their poor leader while Jaehyun gently sits at the foot of the bed with arms supporting him as he leans back.

Jaehyun could only hear the rough sounds of their breathing as silence engulfs the both of them. It was evident now. The fleeting tension from a while ago became permanent as they sat there without a single word. Jaehyun knows how Doyoung feels about Taeyong, and Doyoung has probably noticed how Jaehyun feels about Taeyong too. 

Their heads then whip at Taeyong’s sleeping figure in sync when the older started mumbling unintelligible sentences in his sleep and it was the only thing that broke the sudden awkward atmosphere as they laughed lightly at it.

“You really can’t help but love him, huh?” Doyoung softly says, amused.

A smile slowly creeps into Jaehyun’s lips as his eyes linger around Taeyong’s adorable pout and he couldn’t help but nod, “yeah. He’s very easy to love.” He immediately says, as if he didn’t even need to think about it.

It was only after a few seconds that he realized what he just did. He just openly admitted that he loves Taeyong, and that is to none other than Doyoung himself.

“I-it’s not like that—“

“It’s okay, Jaehyun. I don’t blame you.” Doyoung smiles at him. Contrary to the last atmosphere, this one felt more homey, more comfortable. “I love Taeyong too.”

It wasn’t a shock to hear that from Doyoung. It was obvious enough from the way they look at each other that this would happen. But it still brought a slight pang in Jaehyun’s chest. Hearing it for real was enough pain to last him a lifetime.

_ “I know _ .” Jaehyun only says, the word leaving a bitter taste in his mouth. “It’s not that hard to figure out.” He let out a defeated sigh, but still braved himself to smile. “I saw the way he looks at you. Saw the way his eyes light up in mischievous glint and fondness when you’re with him.” Jaehyun moves his body up to sit properly before he slowly turns to look at the man he loves with longing stares. “ _ I saw the way he loved you….”  _ He says, trying hard to smile through the pain. Memories of how Taeyong looked at Doyoung flashed through his eyes.

_ “And I knew right away after seeing Taeyong hyung’s face.. that he found his first love. And that’s you, hyung.” _

  
  


There was silence. It was as if none of them were even breathing. 

But not even the quietest of all places could silence Jaehyun’s slowly shattering soul. 

Just as Doyoung was about to say something, Jaehyun intervened. “Don’t worry too much about it, Hyung. I’ll get over it.” He turns towards the man across with a reassuring smile. “I’ve long prepared myself for this day anyways.”

The suffocating atmosphere had entirely wrapped the whole room in that moment, and Jaehyun could hardly even breathe as he tried to stop himself from crying by covering his face with both of his palms. He feels pitiful confessing his love to the same person that Taeyong loves.

“ _ You weren’t even looking properly.”  _ Doyoung’s voice resonates around the room. This stopped Jaehyun from his ministrations.

“What do you mean?” He lands a curious gaze at him.

Doyoung softly scoffs, seemingly amused and this throws Jaehyun off guard. What’s so amusing about his situation?

“ _ If only you learned how to look back at him instead of looking away every time your eyes meet, maybe then you would see how he truly looks at you.”  _ Adds Doyoung. There was another moment of silence between them as none of it connected in Jaehyun’s head, and he was only left frowning at the older’s words. Doyoung rolls his eyes playfully. “You’ve seen how Taeyong looks at me, but have you seen how he looks at  _ you? _ ”

“Of course.” Jaehyun retorts. It was getting ridiculous at this point. Where is this conversation even heading? Does Doyoung want him to admit how Taeyong looks at him differently? 

“Jaehyun,” Doyoung starts firmly, “can you describe to me how you see Taeyong’s eyes when he looks at you?”

Jaehyun blinks. What an odd question. Still, it was something he can confidently answer. He had almost memorized how Taeyong looks at him every time their eyes meet. 

“His eyes.. they sparkle and twinkle in gleam. And then they form crescents like the moon.” Jaehyun slowly starts. He closes his eyes and imagines Taeyong looking at him. “He always looks at me with so much brightness that I’m afraid he’s slowly replacing the sun in my life and that I’m slowly starting to revolve around him. His eyes take me to another world, somewhere dark and unknown, but it’s not scary. It feels like falling to a deep pit, you get sucked in more and more but you don’t hit the ground. His eyes always brought comfort in me because he looks at me like I’m his favorite person in the world. Sometimes it gets too overwhelming that I couldn’t help but look away, afraid that I might do things I shouldn’t do.  _ Taeyong looks at me like I’m his home.” _

When Jaehyun opens his eyes after his monologue, he sees Doyoung’s lips curve in a smirk. He was so deep in his imagination that he didn’t even realize what he was saying until a few more seconds when it sank in.

“Did you really believe his shitty excuses when he gets asked why he always cooks your favorite food during meetings?” Doyoung chuckles in a teasing way, all the while crossing his arms.

“But—“ Jaehyun says breathlessly, everything has started to finally connect now. “Taeyong looks at you—“

“Like how he looks at his bestest friend.” Doyoung interrupts. “Taeyong looks at me with fondness because he cares for me, but not in a way you think of. I admit, I  _ did  _ have romantic feelings for him, but soon after I had an epiphany.” It was Doyoung’s turn to smile bitterly. “Some people are better left loving each other as friends.”

Jaehyun was rendered speechless.

“You did not notice how Taeyong looks at you differently because you were unknowingly used to it.” Doyoung adds. “He always had eyes for you, Jaehyun. From the very moment you stepped into the practice room, Taeyong has looked at you like that. You didn’t notice it because you thought it was normal for him to look at you in that way, but it’s not. Every time he sees you, there is a twinkle in his eyes just like you said, but the thing is, his eyes don’t do that to any of us. Only to you.”

“ _ Taeyong has loved you far longer than you’ve loved him.” _

  
  


Jaehyun’s breath hitches and no one said a word for several minutes.

  
  


“That’s impossible, he obviously likes you—“

And as if on cue, the said man shifts in his bed and continued his mumbling, “Doieee~~~” he grumbles. Jaehyun was ready to give Doyoung a sarcastic look because even in his dreams Taeyong still chose Doyoung, and he was slapping it straight to their faces, but he was stopped when Taeyong mumbled more. “Go get.. get the pork in the fridge.” Taeyong says almost incoherently, words fading every now and then. “ _ Jaehyun likes spicy pork. Need.. to… cook it.”  _

Jaehyun stares at him in shock. 

“I won’t say I told you so.” Doyoung shrugs. “You’ve both been giving each other mixed signals, y’know? He couldn’t confess to you because you always look away from him, so he is always left hopelessly staring at you, most of the time I even reprimand him for it.”

  
  


_ ‘You’re staring again.’  _ Doyoung’s words echoed around Jaehyun’s mind. His heart is starting to hammer in his chest, he was afraid it couldn’t keep up with the rhythm anymore and he’d just straight up pass away at this moment.

Jaehyun is now fumbling around a strand of his shirt as his head drops low, breathing still intensifying. He heard Doyoung sigh and felt him standing up in his peripheral vision. 

“I’ve long given up, Jae. I’ve given up when I realized he will never look at me the same way he looks at you.” Doyoung says passing Jaehyun by to head to the door, but this time there was no bitterness in his words. He looks back. “You can sleep on the couch or on the floor tonight so you can see him tomorrow as soon as possible. I’ll bring you a blanket.”

Jaehyun was then left alone with the sound of a closing door. He felt like his lungs had been punched out of air all the while trying to process everything. If it wasn’t for the fact that he was sitting, he’s pretty sure he’d have fallen down with how weak his knees are feeling right now.

  
  
  


💤💤💤

  
  
  


“Hyung.” The familiar soft voice penetrates Taeyong’s ear that he couldn’t help but smile even with a throbbing headache. It’s his Jaehyunnie’s voice. He was sure of it. 

Taeyong was sure this was a dream. There wouldn’t come an instance where Jaehyun would call for him early in the morning after a drunken night with the members because 1) Jaehyun lives in a separate floor, and 2) he’s probably also dead drunk by now and there is no reason for him to come here blessing Taeyong with his gentle voice.

Taeyong flutters his eyelids open and sees Jaehyun just a few inches from him sitting on the floor while his head is lying on his arms that is on the bed.  _ This is a dream.  _ Taeyong mentally reminds himself.

He smiles to himself and gently reaches for Jaehyun’s cheeks which perfectly fits in his palm just right, and strokes it with his thumb ever so gently and lovingly. “My Jaehyunnie decided to appear in my dream again.” He says in his husky morning voice out loud this time, knowing no one would hear him here.

Jaehyun’s brow twitches for a moment, “your eyes just twinkled again.” 

“Oh yeah?” Taeyong dreamily smiles. “I think they always do when I think of you.” He says with a soft laugh.

Jaehyun shifts and places his bigger hand on top of the Taeyong’s smaller and softer ones caressing his cheek. This feels nice.

“Did you like the spicy pork last night?” Taeyong questions in a daze, his eyes falling close

“I always like it when you cook for me.”

They stayed in a comfortable silence like that, just feeling each other’s touch knowing they don’t get to have this often.

“You want me to tell you a secret?” Jaehyun says after a few minutes of silence. Taeyong giggles before nodding. “This is not a dream.” Jaehyun pinches the older’s cheeks just to prove his point.

  
  


Taeyong gasps and flies out of the bed in less than a second while Jaehyun laughs heartily. He stares at the younger with blown and shaking eyes but this time, Jaehyun did not look away. For the first time he sees through Taeyong’s orbs in a new perspective and he couldn’t help the warm feeling wrapping itself around his chest.  _ He does look at me like I’m his home. _

  
  
  
  


“I’m not going to look away anymore, hyung.” Jaehyun smiles.

**Author's Note:**

> If you’ve reached this far, thank you so much for reading! 😆 || [ cc ](https://curiouscat.me/softiwaii) || [ twt ](https://mobile.twitter.com/softiwaii)


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